listen, dudes. pregnancy blah blah blah. i know it has to sound like i complain a lot but i want to say that so far pregnancy has actually been a complete dream and i feel like the luckiest bitch in the world because of it. i had morning sickness for a month, but i didn't need to be hospitalised or anything, and i got over it. ever since the morning sickness finished i've been fine. i get really mild heartburn maybe once a week or so. i have to pee once a night if i have a drink right before bed which i like do. my back hurts if im on my feet for longer than an hour, but its not incapacitating, more just "hmm i'd like to sit down for 5 minutes if that's ok." i sleep like the dead--i have to wake up fully to lift my stomach up and over if i want to roll over on my side, but i go straight back to sleep. sometimes the baby kicks in uncomfortable places--one night it was tapdancing on my cervix (which feels like getting a hard pap smear--you know that achy crampy feeling you get?) so i threw my legs up over the back of our recliner and it moved--and it will very occasionally nudge my bladder and yesterday it kicked my ribs and boy did that hurt--but more often than not Flump is just rolling and punching and kicking in the middle of my tummy. in the last week my sex drive came back--it disappeared more or less from the time i got morning sickness at 8 weeks until i hit my third trimester--and im, urgh i dont want to gross you out but im like a 13 year old boy. i cannot stop thinking about dave and leaping on him when he gets home.

i think that's been the most wonderful part of this pregnancy full stop--i feel like i'm falling more in love with him every day. he's been 100% there with me for every prenatal appointment, all the shopping decisions, all the parenting discussions. we've never disagreed on anything have to do with this baby (to be honest we don't really ever disagree fullstop) and we're both so damn excited. every day he wakes me up right before he leaves for work at 8.30, he kisses me and tells me he loves me, he kisses my tum and says good morning to the baby, then kisses me again. he makes me feel so beautiful, even when i'm waddling about and feeling like i'm carrying a watermelon in my stomach.

i just don't want to make it sound like i'm miserable all the time, because i'm really not. i'll be 28 weeks in two days (holy crap) and i feel like a goddess. i love this baby, i love my husband, i love san francisco, i love everything.

now off to knit baby things (for other people, not mine!)

while lying on my side last night in bed dave and i discovered that when the baby kicks towards my side you can see it. you can fucking see a foot bulging out of my side. i'll be honest, i do not find this cute. i find it fucking horrifying. i feel like an incubator for an alien.

THE BABY IS HICCUPING. it is fucking adorable and im so sorry dt isn't here to touch it.

dang i gotta write something, about being in pittsburgh or mj dying or whatever, but im so distracted by these hiccups. i can picture this little 2 pound baby inside me going "HIC!....HIC!....HIC!...."

im sorry for the moan but i've been hearing for ages how much pregnancy in the summer sucks. its been making me nervous since i leave for pittsburgh tomorrow and i know it's going to be hotter there than it ever gets here--i live 6 blocks from the fucking ocean which is great but means it never goes above, like, 70 here. usually. ive been bawling my eyes out all day just thinking about the world and its various injustices and how angry i am at everything and anything and i haven't been able to figure out why. then i realised i'm sweating like my body's gonna attempt to push the baby out through my pores and the thermostat in the house says it's 75 in here.

I AM FREAKING OUT WITH RAGE BECAUSE IM HOT AND ITS ONLY 75 DEGREES. im going to be unbearable to be around the whole time im in pgh. :(((((((((((((

i had such a good time at the camera obscura show the other night that i've been looking for other gigs to go to while im still preggo and people will bend over backwards to be nice to me. i know this sounds manipulative, but i'd like to point out that i top out at 5'1" which means that standing shows have always been a nightmare for me. so being able to sit somewhere and being able to see the stage is a joyful experience. i'd like to take advantage of this because Jarvis Cocker *swoon* is playing the fillmore on july 28th which is the last night dave's mom will be there--forget the fact that no one asked me if i wanted to be visited in my 3rd trimester by dave's family (i don't really want to be visited by anyone except for people whom i know are low maintenance and im sorry but in-laws by definition are not fucking low-maintenance) anyway. so jarvis is playing at the fillmore and i know that shows there are awesome and they will be nice to me because i will be like 7 or 8 months pregnant at that point AND I WILL HAVE TO MISS IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO FRIENDS IN SAN FRANCISCO and im heartbroken.

that being said while looking at upcoming gigs in sf i see there is a band called "if your hands were metal that would mean something" which is a lengthy and pretentious name that gets a reprieve only because it's a joke from MST3K: The Movie and it gives me hope for the band i've always wanted to start, "I'm Bill Shtinkwater".

IM HAVING HIS BABY. GODDAMMIT THAT IS AWESOME.

I was naturally suspicious of the Jonas Brothers. Then they made me lol on SNL and I warmed up a bit and now, I'm not going to buy their music, but me and the JoBros are cool.

JOE JONAS IS TRYING SO HARD:

in honor of the macgruber movie which i'm not sure about but i'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt, my favourite macgruber:

yeargh. can i just say im really fucking annoyed with this celebrity trend of talking about how you're bisexual BUT ERM I DONT DATE GIRLS I JUST FUCK EM. (yeah you lady gaga and megan fox and whatnot)

ok.

i believe there are loads of bisexual women out there who haven't carried out a relationship because they haven't met the right one, but to say ahead of time that you don't date girls, and you only fuck them, DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE BISEXUAL. IT MEANS YOU ARE SLUTTY. if you're bisexual surely it means you find both genders attractive and it means that you are capable of carrying out a meaningful relationship with either gender? to proclaim loudly that you'd never, omg, DATE a girl means you're not even considering love, it's just fucking, and you're just slutty.

not that i'm slut shaming because i'm slutty. i'm just saying let's call it what it is.

plus having dated girls it's annoying because wtf, I HAD TO DEAL WITH CRAZY CHICKS AND YOU SHOULD TOO.

wendeline says:
ehhhh yeah i guess
i dont know, i lose track of time so i can never tell how long something takes.
"ooh, how long did that level take?"
"i dunno.... somewhere between a while and *shrug*."
apparently blur are getting back together
im not like shitting my pants about it but liam gallagher actually said something about it to make me lol

dave says:
?

wendeline says:
"I'm right into the Blur reunion, 'cos it'll finish off the Kaiser Chiefs and put them to bed. There's nothing worse than a s**t Blur. And at least the original s**t Blur are back to finish off all these other s**t Blurs."

dave says:
proper lol

wendeline says:
yeah i proper lold too

dave says:
that's rich coming from the s**t Slade

wendeline says:
ROFL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LIQUID FROM MY BOOBS WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

We're watching the last few minutes of a show on some cable channel called "The Ludacris Chronicles" (naturally) and they're showing the video for "One More Drink" which is Luda feat. T-Pain. The show ends and the next show is like, half an hour of Chris Brown videos, and the first video of that has T-Pain in it too.

I turn to Dave and say, "Fuck, man, T-Pain is in everything these days. *I'M* gonna do a video with T-Pain."

Dave replied, "I bet Heidi's done a video with T-Pain."

"Fuck yeah she has! And it's probably just a cover to hide the fact that T-Pain is actually Heidi in disguise."

I know this sounds obvious, but one of the best things about being pregnant is not having to worry that you might be pregnant, you know?

Our last prenatal group was all about birth control because the midwives are very keen on us, you know, having that baby and not being back there for a while. They talked about tubal ligation and vasectomies and during the break Dave goes "When we're done with all this, I think I'd be okay with a vasectomy. It doesn't sound too bad."

"Too fucking right," I said, "A tubal ligation is major surgery and a vasectomy takes like 10 minutes."

"Well, I'm just saying I would get a vasectomy when it comes time."

"And I'm saying YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TELL ME THAT BECAUSE IN MY MIND YOU ALREADY WERE."

"Well I agree!"

"Fine!"

So, you know, imagine what it's like when I *disagree* with something he says.

hey, so a kid kicking you in the bladder. this is an entirely new sensation to me. i was watching the wire the other night and all of a sudden, WHOMP. and FUCK it is uncomfortable.

imagine if you will a plastic bag full of water (i'd just had a glass of iced tea) with a straw sticking out of it. and if you squeeze the bag, it's going to run up the straw. that is exactly what happens when a baby kicks you in the bladder. i almost pissed myself. i was so surprised i yelled "argh, jesus!" when it happened.

the flutters have turned into kicks. a couple of weeks ago it was nice little fluttery movements, kind of like having gas but without, you know, gas. but sometime in the past week it's turned to kicks, and pretty fast. now it kicks first thing in the morning when im having a cup of coffee and then it's quiet for most of the day until after 9 pm when it goes apeshit. it is weird. it is exactly like being punched on the inside.

im about to mellow your shit out

I get my groceries delivered once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. 8 days ago, on Monday, I had a big delivery early in the morning. I had ordered a box of Reese's Puffs because I had been craving it. I had been planning all morning to eat the shit out of a bowl of that stuff once the delivery came.

As I was unpacking I saw the Reese's Puffs and I was already getting excited about the peanut buttery chocolatey milky goodness I was about to receive when I saw it. A refrigerated jar of already sectioned pink grapefruit in slightly sweetened grapefruit juice that I had forgotten I ordered. It was beautiful. There was a little bit of misty condensation on the outside of the jar, and I could see these perfect little juicy red sections floating in that juice. In that minute, the Reese's Puffs were forgotten and I clamped my hands around the cold metal lid of the grapefruit jar. I fumbled a fork out of the dishrack next to the sink and I dug into it right there at the counter, each section bursting in my mouth like I had never tasted anything before. I ate the whole jar standing there like that. It's something ridiculous like 500% of my RDA of Vitamin C. It felt so good.

And the next morning, when my eyes opened, the first thought in my mind, even before "I have to pee," was "GIVE ME REESE'S PUFFS." I had a big bowl of them before I ever went to the bathroom. And another after I came out. It was glorious, even with that weird waxy texture they get sometimes. But the grapefruit! Ah, my god, it was like falling in love for the first time.

i've felt some flutterings before, but i think yesterday was the first day where i could officially feel my kid walloping me. its feet seem to be pretty low down at the moment and it's kicking me really low, like sometimes it almost hurts because it's a bit close to my cervix. yikes! as i was typing i felt it again. i can't feel it when i'm lying down or doing anything else---it's only ever when i'm at my pc so far, i think because i'm sitting up and leaning forward a bit and maybe squishing kiddo a bit.

since i've started typing this it's started kicking me pretty good. it feels awesome.

dt and i have a 7-month term CD with bank of america at a 3.85% APY that's maturing in a couple of weeks and we've been trying to figure out what to do--obviously interest is shite now, the same CD is now at 1.4% APY and if we stick it in our plain old savings we'd be getting .8% on the money in our savings account and we've been discussing for half an hour what to do with this money when it matures and all of a sudden it occured to me that FUCK I'M MY GRANDFATHER.

i'm 20 weeks and 2 days. this makes me over halfway and therefore awesome. and now i have a poochy belly and i gesture towards it all the time and yell at dave LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

i dunno if this is common to all pregnant chicks or what, but, sex dreams, guys. like, i've had sex dreams in the past, but i have sex dreams CONSTANTLY. my unconscious is insatiable, dudes. and sometimes it's guys i've never really thought about in a sexy way but once i have the dream, forget it, i can get turned on just remembering 5 seconds from that dream. i had a dream last night about zachary quinto, you know, spock in the new star trek and sylar from heroes? i have never ever ever thought about that man in a sexy way before because, dudes, eyebrows, right? BUT NOW I THINK ABOUT HIM AND I AM JIZZING IN MY PANTS. ive had sex dreams about seth meyers from snl (but not jason sudeikis or andy samberg? whats up witchoo, brain?), bruce willis, michael cera (michael cera, man! come on!), javier bardem (like, vicky cristina barcelona javier, not no country for old men javier) AND JOSH BROLIN AT THE SAME TIME. sometimes it's girls too.

and when im saying sex dreams it does not convey how serious this phenomena is. im talking waking up TOTALLY SATISFIED. you know what im saying? so satisfied that im neglecting dave.

sucks for dave. awesome for me.

and the boys glue hair to him to make him look like a dog so they can take him to the vet so their moms won't find out? and they make butters act like a dog, but all butters can do is go "woooooooof..... wooooooof...." in this sad weepy voice?

oh wait i found a little clip of it



ive been sick since sunday with a cold. my myriad of pregnancy books warned me that my immune system will be crap so that, you know, my white blood cells don't smother Flump to death. i've been lucky so far in that my second trimester has been stupidly pleasant--i havent experienced any back pain, my digestive system is working fine, ive got a good appetite but im not gaining any fat (which is good since im overweight), no dizziness, no headaches, even heartburn is pretty rare. indeed, the most annoying thing about my 2nd trimester so far is that i have to pee about 15 minutes after i have a drink (no exaggeration). anyway, so i've got this cold, and i've been pretty miserable--my sinuses are doing that thing where they get totally blocked and you have to mouth-breathe and then your throat dries out, then all of a sudden your sinuses drain but if you try to breathe through your nose your membranes are all bone-dry and it just hurts to breathe, plus, you know, i'm getting those sweet hacking coughs that come with prizes.

two nights ago dave came home late, and he'd been gone for 12 hours and i didn't want to make dinner because i couldn't smell or taste anything so i wasn't hungry and i just burst into tears and started sobbing. my nose immediately blocked up and i could only, like, cry through my mouth, which meant that i was making this awful melodramatic HOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO sound. i was actually more or less saying sentences and punctuating them with actual, real-life BOOOOOO HOOOOOOS. and it was so comical and over the top and all of a sudden that butters thing popped into my head and i cried even harder:

"DAVE I CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE..... HOOOOOOOOOOOO..... HOOOOOOOOOOOOO..... I CAN HEAR MYSELF GOING BOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I SOUND LIKE BUTTERS WHEN HE GOT THAT NINJA STAR IN HIS EYE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF....... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF......"

and it's kind of hard to keep up the whole BOO HOO POOR ME thing once you've brought South Park up while you're crying.



as a sidenote i still have the cold but it is getting a lot better and i think i'll have it kicked by the end of the weekend. how are you?

i spend a lot of time thinking about parenting, and while i want to reserve a lot of my judgment until i've actually, you know, got a kid in my arms, i wanted to say this:

when i was really little, like 2 years old little, i had a habit of running full speed away from my parents in any situation. my mom says that i could wiggle out of any harness and that before she knew it i would be racing away from her, not looking back. it would happen at malls, grocery stores, and there was one time i even ran full tilt for a 4 lane highway and the only way my mom stopped me was to yell "IVE GOT POPSICLES!!!"

my mom and dad were worried about what this habit meant, so they took me to a psychologist and he said that i was so secure with my parents that i didn't need to look back because i knew they were there.


i know a kid running away from you as fast as it can sounds terrifying, and i was an asshole teenager so believe me i don't want to raise a kid just like me, but if i have a kid who can be described as so secure with me and dave's love that they don't have to look back to see if we're watching, i have totally succeeded.